We’ve all been there. One bite, one innocent mouthful, and suddenly the cold, hard truth hits you—you’ve been glutened. It doesn’t matter how careful you were, how many questions you asked the waiter, or how convincing that “gluten-free” label looked. Now you’re on a one-way trip through the emotional rollercoaster that is post-gluten exposure. Let’s walk through the five classic stages of grief that every coeliac knows all too well.
1. Denial
“No, it can’t be gluten. Maybe I’m just imagining it.”
It always starts here. That first stomach twinge could be anything, right? Maybe you ate too fast. Maybe it was the seasoning. Perhaps the planets have aligned in a particularly unfriendly way. You convince yourself that surely—surely—you didn’t just poison yourself. After all, the menu said it was gluten-free! And that waiter definitely nodded when you asked for the fourth time if it was safe. It’s probably just… stress. Yeah, stress.
2. Anger
“How could this happen? WHO DO I BLAME?”
Once reality starts setting in, the rage begins. Did the chef lie? Did that smug waiter actually know what gluten is, or was he just humouring you? Maybe it was that suspiciously soft bread roll that was definitely too good to be gluten-free. Or perhaps it’s the universe itself conspiring against you. Whatever the case, someone must be held accountable. The group chat gets an angry update, and you’re furiously Googling the restaurant’s customer service email. Justice will be served.
3. Bargaining
“Maybe if I drink a gallon of water, it’ll flush out the gluten?”
Desperate times call for desperate measures. You start negotiating with your body like it’s a hostage situation. Maybe if you take some extra probiotics, it’ll all be fine. Perhaps a bit of yoga will rebalance your gut. You’re downing peppermint tea and ginger like you’ve suddenly decided to live off the land. You even consider trying those dodgy enzyme pills that you swore you’d never trust. Anything to avoid the inevitable.
4. Depression
“Well, this is it. I live here now.”
The symptoms have fully hit. The brain fog, the cramping, the overwhelming regret. You curl up on the sofa, clutching your hot water bottle like it’s a life raft. Plans for the next 48 hours? Cancelled. You scroll through social media, feeling personally attacked by every photo of carefree gluten-eaters living their best lives. The world is a dark place, and you are but a shell of your former self.
5. Acceptance
“Guess I’ll just ride this out.”
At some point, you surrender to your fate. You’re not leaving the house anytime soon, so you might as well get comfortable. Netflix is queued up, you’ve got a stash of gluten-free snacks (because irony), and the heating pad is your new best friend. You text your mates a dramatic farewell (“I’ve been glutened. Pray for me.”) and settle in for the long haul. You’ll survive this. Eventually.
Sound familiar? Yeah, thought so. The emotional fallout of accidental gluten exposure is practically a rite of passage for coeliacs. But at least you’re not alone—we’ve all been through it, and we’ve all lived to tell the tale (eventually). Just remember: tomorrow is another day, and there’s always gluten-free pasta to help you heal.
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