10 Things I Know for Certain When I’ve Been Glutened

There’s a very specific kind of chaos that hits when you’ve been glutened. And if you know, you really know.

It starts with a weird feeling in your gut. Then a noise. Then the sudden realisation that your plans (all of them) are about to be replaced with bathroom breaks and quiet moments of personal reflection… mostly while sweating.

I’ve been coeliac for a while now, and while I try to be careful, accidents happen. So here’s my very honest list of 10 things I know for certain when gluten sneaks its way into my life.

1. My stomach is now making whale noises not heard since Blue Planet.
2. I will be able to tell you the exact layout of my bathroom tiles by the end of the day.
3. Every person in a five-mile radius has suddenly eaten something delicious and I now hate them all on principle.
4. My intestines are planning a coup. The rebels are winning.
5. Time slows down. Especially when you’re sitting on the loo and you realise you’ve run out of toilet paper.
6. I will cry at a dog food advert. Probably because even the dog food is gluten-free.
7. Every notification on my phone will now be a recipe I can’t eat, or a “fun day out” featuring a bakery tour.
8. My body becomes a game of ‘Guess That Symptom’. Bonus round: Can you fart and trust it?
9. Someone will say, “Are you sure it was gluten?” and I will briefly consider prison time.
10. The next 48 hours are cancelled. Do not pass go. Do not collect £200. Do not trust a fart.